I wore my sunglasses a lot during the Summer of 2010.
Not because I was protecting my eyes from the sun.
But because I was hiding my tears.
Life felt wrong and out of control for so many reasons and my tears were always near the surface. I literally could not stop them.
Not as I sat at the pool during my kids swimming lessons.
Not while doing typical chores around my house.
They would fall as I walked on the treadmill at the gym.
And during Sunday School as I sat in Church.
I didn't want to explain my pain to anyone, and I had to keep up with my responsibilities as a mother of 5 ... so I wore my sunglasses and kept going.
Everyday.
I tried to work harder, and stop failing, so that I would stop hurting.
I tried to control others so that they would stop hurting me.
I didn't even realize that the pain I felt came from beating myself up all day long.
I truly believed all of my pain was coming from the poo-poo platter that Life was handing me.
Money was tight, so I got a part-time job.
I was a Testing Technician for a NeuroPsychologist. People came to him after suffering Traumatic Brain Injuries or when trying to qualify for Social Security Benefits.
I administered aptitude and memory type tests. I found it interesting and it gave me a change of scenery.
One day I felt prompted, I believe by God, to talk to the Dr. that I worked for and ask for some therapy sessions. At that time, I think God is the only one that could convince me to seek outside help, because I believed that therapy was for the weak.
And, I was certainly feeling weak. So, I talked to him, and scheduled several more sessions.
The flow of tears subsided. The sunglasses came off more. I began to feel more hopeful.
The Dr. told me that the only thing that had to change for the pain to get better was my own perspective.
I couldn't quite grasp what he meant. It was like he was speaking a foreign language. But as I worked with him, I could see it was true in SOME areas.
When I stopped trying to control things and stopped resisting the things I didn't like, I did feel better.
But I wasn't able to do that all the time. And I would spend 8 more years searching and working on how to do that.
In 2018, I found Life Coaching and it gave me so many answers. It helped me understand why I got stuck in some areas and how to work through it to find peace and feel calm. Therapy helped me get out of the pit I was in; Life Coaching has helped me reach for dreams I thought were impossible.
In both cases, I had to let go of the idea of being in control all the time. The harder I tried, the more powerless I felt.
I took back my power when I accepted myself and my life. As Is.
It doesn't mean we have to stay there. But we have to be allowed to struggle, be disappointed, and learn from it. Then we become our greatest source of wisdom.
Releasing Control is the theme of our August CHAOS to Calm Retreat.
If you have been hiding your tears and searching for things to be different.
The CHAOS to Calm Retreat is going to give you the power over your life you've been desperate for.
Much love to you,
Meredith
Registration is open! Go to www.chaostocalmretreat.com to learn more